i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
