You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize