I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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