he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
