I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
