somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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