We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
