In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
be right there i have to get my cape
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize