The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
