y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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