my phone needs a breathalizer
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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