so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
