Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
