at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
