the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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