you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
