she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
