I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
