i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize