You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
