That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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