I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
