I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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