Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
