ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
