i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
