i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
