chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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