mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
