If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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