I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
