When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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