she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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