went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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