no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
