She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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