Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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