Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
