mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
