He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
