Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
love makes seman taste better
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
