dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
