I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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