Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
