he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
