I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
