the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize