I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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