I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
did i just pee glitter
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
