Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
