I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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