Pappa wants mamma naked
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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