Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
