I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
